The Real Reason to Love

“(Love) bears all things, believes all things, hopes all thins, endures all things”. 1 Corinthians 13 v 7

I have been taking stock of the people in my life and how I have felt towards them at any one time or other. Top on the list for obvious reasons is my husband. I spend a lot of time with this man in private and in public. There are times when laughter and conversation have flowed so easily between us. We would hold hands for no reason at all, smile when we talk to each other, and generally do kind things for one another. At such times I send prayers of thanks giving to God for giving me such a wonderful and loving husband. Then there is the other side if the same coin. There are those dreadful times when even his voice irritates me. Anything he says is not right, his touch causes me to cringe and I must confess that a few times I have prayed to God that if He were really fair he would just strike this creature of His with lightning and save me from all the pain that he causes me. Can I see a raise of hands from those who identify with me? I hope it’s the majority if not all, otherwise that will make me a nut case.

I want to take an honest look at what causes the two contrasting situations that I have described with the same person.

In most cases when the lovey-dovey feeling rules supreme, it will be because of three major reasons. The first is that he will have immediately before done something that makes me feel special or that shows just how high esteem he holds me in. It could be that he bought me a present for whatever reason did something special or good for our children, parents or other relatives or has just been civil, respectful, cherishing and loving in his conduct towards me. The second reason is that in my private thought moments I will have chosen to think of the good times we have had in the past, dwelling on the good qualities that Lenox has which I admire in him or which distinguish him from other men and makes him the one for me. The third reason, which I am not particularly proud of, is when I want him to do something for me that would really take a lot of love for one to do. Then I’ll soften him up with a good attitude for a couple of hours before I drop the bomb. Ha! Ha! You’ve guessed it; the response he gives will determine whether or not the happy wife continues to reside in the house.

Obviously the reasons for my sour disposition are the opposite of the above. Firstly if he forgets my birthday or our anniversary, or has not been particularly civil, kind, respectful, loving and cherishing in his behaviour towards me, I give him back a taste of his own medicine, good measure, pressed down and shaken together. Second there are times when the choice of thoughts in my mind will focus on all the sins that he has ever committed to me in the past( real and perceived), and focusing on his personal weaknesses and things that get on my nerves about him. Thirdly, there are times when I feel I can go it alone if I needed to; after all I am a strong, intelligent capable woman who really does not need a man to validate her worth. Whenever any of these three scenarios are prevalent, the mood around us can be chillier than the North Pole.

There’s a whole lot I can say about the whys and whereof of such conduct in a marriage or any relationship for that matter, but for today I want us to focus on what it says about our reasons for love or saying we love someone. Do you see a common thread in my reasons for having loving gracious feelings towards my husband? It is that one way or the other he must earn my love. When he does not act lovingly towards me, my love dies down or disappears all together. When he acts lovingly I reward him with being amiable. Memories of his good and kind acts towards me directly or indirectly make me a goodly wife. The good qualities that he has motivate me to act lovingly towards him. My realisation of my need for him to provide material and emotional support make me dependent on him, therefore I love him and want him to always be around. It’s like a stage on which the quality of his acting determines the response of the solo audience. If personal attributes are the only reason for my love for my husband, what will happen when these gradually disappear? What it means is that there will be no reason for us to continue ‘in love’ hence the only option open would be the dreaded ‘D’.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional. I must love because I choose to love not because my husband deserves to be loved. Do not get me wrong, personal attributes do have their place, otherwise how would I have known that Lenox was the one I chose to live with the rest of my life. Something did attract him to me and hopefully me to him. But the reality of life was that when we got to know each other more intimately there were some attributes we both discovered in each other which we did not particularly like. But that did not mean that we were to discard each other or write each other off as husband/wife material.

The vows that we made to each other at the marriage alter had phrases like ‘to love and to cherish for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health’. These are really profound words which many of us say with stars in our eyes on our wedding days without really thinking about what they mean.

Really, truly and honestly speaking, this kind of love cannot be attained by mere human effort or zeal. It is a love that can only come from a God who is pure and holy and yet decided to take the nature of sinful man to come and rescue a hopeless race that had deliberately chosen a path of destruction. God’s love for us is absolutely unconditional. It was his absolute prerogative to terminally destroy us and eliminate sin from the face of the earth, yet God in His infinite love treated us with grace and mercy and chose to die in our place so we could be saved. When Moses asked God to show him His glory, the character of God was revealed to Moses as described in Exodus 34 v 6&7a; ‘And the Lord passed before Him and proclaimed. ‘The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long suffering, and abounding in goodness and truth. Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin’. Connect this with Psalm 103 v 8-14; ‘The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy towards those who fear Him. As far as the East is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. (NKJV) and then you can appreciate what true love is. God loves us not because we deserve it but because He chooses to love us.

God does not love us because we are lovable. He loves us because He is love. 1 John 4 v 10 ‘In this is love, not that we love God, but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins’ (NKJV). If God asked you to be perfect before He could love you, what would be the chances of your success. There is no way you would ever merit God’s love. If God has loved you this way my friend, why then do you demand perfection from your fellow man before they can deserve your love? 1 John 4 v 11 ‘Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another’ (NKJV).

Father, in our fallen, pompous human nature we have placed conditions for our fellow brothers and sisters to earn our love. Yet when we look at what you did for us on the cross of Calvary, you chose to die for us when there was no guarantee that any single one of us would receive that love. The kind of love that You have shown to us is one that is willing to take risks. On our own Lord, we cannot attain such love. It is only as we receive Your love that we can share it with our fellow man. Due to our selfishness many relationships have been ruined: Parents have disowned children because they have fallen short of expectations, children harbour resentment and disrespect for parents because they have let them down, marriages have ended in divorce because one or both spouses have refused to forgive. There is so much pain in our lives because of broken relationships resulting from unmet expectations. We humbly come before Your throne of grace this moment and ask You to cleanse us and purify us. If You, the majestic King of the universe humbled yourself to take the first step in reconciling with fallen man, who are we to be too proud to take the first step at reconciling with our parents, children, spouses to mend the broken relationships. Father I present to You all who are reading this who have ANY relationships that need mending. Touch their hearts Oh God and reveal to them Your love so they may receive it and share it with others. Only You can do it of us Lord. Please help us for the sake of Your Son Jesus Christ. AMEN.