Forgiven to Forgive

So much love, commitment gave I
With all my heart, Loved I another’s child
Left mother, father, creed and clan
Took upon me another’s name

Heaven on earth, promised he me
Forever you shall be mine and I yours
His words so sweet, precious to my ear
Queen of his heart, I sleep in bliss

Fly in the ointment! His heart to another?
In another’s arms he lies, I alone
Can’t look me in the eye, Barriers so high
Torn in two, Tortured being; My love

Numerous times, Middle of nights
Silently he creeps, lies next me
Straight as a log, touching me not
Both awake, then suddenly he snores!

Curled like a foetus, Chest to my knees
I hug myself, Silent tears, Hushed sobs
Crunching the pain out of my guts! The pain!
Like vomit; It clings; Refuses to go; Take it away!

Cheated on, Rejected, Sick to the stomach
Doubt myself, the demons back
Accusing, mocking, what were you thinking?
You’re too shallow for a man as he

Wedlock, instituted by God in Eden
To be a reflection of His love for man
Sweet communion for Creator and creature
Corrupted, piercing God’s heart with pain

Now a void and dismal canyon lies
Separates me from my dearest One
Long for Him but my infidelity
Keeps the chasm ever so wide

In love He sought me from the mountains
Pleasures thought I, but bitterness reaped
He had to leave the ninety and nine
To seek the one in pain, sickness and despair

Mercy! Grace! Justice! Kiss each other
And make me Restored once more to my life’s Love
Nothing I do can ever repay
I owed so great a debt, only His death could pay

Left He His glory in heaven above
Trod the winepress with blood stained
Humbled Himself to death, death of a cross
Just so in His name, once more could I be called?

Pleasures he sought, left wounds so deep
She just took and took, and gave nothing back
He comes to me and in tears pleads
Take me back my love, I am yours once more

My chance to get the vengeance I sought!
Oh! What a joy this will be
For him to feel a taste of his own medicine
The hurt still lingers, I can’t forgive

Then I look upon that hill, a hill called Mt. Calvary
Outside the City gates, where my Saviour hung
In love and compassion He shows me too
How like a harlot I too sought other gods

It hurt my loved One when I trusted in others
Yet in love He sought me, Pursued me till I could be found
Behold what manner of love is this?
That a God so great would humble Himself for me

Come my love back into my arms and heart
I was given much more than I could repay
Your wrongs to me fade into oblivion
Compared to what I’ve done against God

Who am I to not forgive?
When such as my sins are covered in His blood
Forgiven to forgive I was; I forgive you
I love you my love, with an endless love!

Thank you for taking the time to visit my page. Please, share with me how you've struggled or triumphed in forgiving someone who has greatly hurt you. You can comment or email me on nomusamadlala@gmail.com

A STIFF-NECKED PEOPLE

Psalms 105 and 106 narrate the journey of the children of Israel: from the promise that God made to Abraham, the provision for food made through Joseph’s enslavement in Egypt, their favour in Egypt, their deliverance from an oppressive Pharaoh, their journey to Canaan and how they discharged themselves on reaching that land.

In spite of all the great works of deliverance that God performed for His people, they always found themselves wandering away from Him and disobeying His Word. Yet each time, God demonstrated His love and mercy towards them, and forgave them their wanderings. How like Israel I am! Out rightly stubborn or forgetting God’s leading in the past and choosing to disobey his Word and following after ‘strange gods’. Many times, a lot of us panic and start looking for ‘strange solutions’ to the challenges we meet in life. We do well to remember how the Lord has led us in the past. That should fortify us to know that He has a way out for us, no matter how dismal things may seem right then.

Many times God wanted to destroy the Israelites and start all over building a new chosen nation with Moses, but Moses stood in the gap and pleaded for God to remember His covenant with Abraham. God listened to Moses because He and Moses had such a special relationship that garnered favour for Moses. The lesson for us here is that: if I am upfront with God, trust Him explicitly and do His will unquestioningly like Moses did, I become His friend and can stand in the gap of intercessory prayer for my husband, children, community, church and country etc. God can spare His judgement on them through my obedience and intercession.

By forgetting the Lord’s promises, the Children of Israel missed the opportunity to enter the Promised Land within a few weeks of leaving Egypt. They doubted God’s Word and became afraid. The result was a forty year journey that eliminated the unbelieving generation, leaving only Joshua and Caleb from the original group to cross the Jordan to the other side (Joshua 4 v 6; Numbers 32 v 11-13). Even though these two faithful men eventually entered the Promised Land, it was still 40 years later. The lack of faith and disobedience of their fellow travellers caused Joshua and Caleb to be delayed in receiving the Blessing of their obedience. Lack of faith and disobedience can delay my attaining the ultimate perfection that God wants to work for me. Not only does it affect me but it also affects those who are with me who have obeyed God. For me ‘to get the lesson’, those travelling with me are also negatively affected.

What really shocks me though is God’s reaction to Moses’ one mistake. Instead of speaking to the Rock to bring forth water, after declaring to the people that ‘he and Aaron’ were now forced to ‘fetch water for the noisy, complaining, stubborn people out of the rock’, Moses smote the rock, not once but twice (Numbers 20 v 7-11). Immediately God passed judgement on Moses (Numbers 20 v 12). For his disobedience, he too would not cross the Jordan but could only view the Land from the top of the mountain before he died (Numbers 27 v 12-14; Deuteronomy 32 v 48-52). What a price to pay for a single mistake. The lesson for us is that no matter how much we think we are justified in our acts of disobedience, it is displeasing to God and will have its consequences, no matter how transitory the consequences may be. God in His infinite love towards us has a way of bringing beautiful outcomes from our mess (Romans 8:28). Moses, though he did not step on the land of Canaan, God resurrected him and took him up to heaven (Jude v 9). There is no justification or rationalisation about sin. Provocation is no reason to disobey god’s word. God demands total obedience of us.

What a ‘stiff-necked’ person I am Lord. Just like the children of Israel, I doubt Your promises and miss out on the fullness of joy that You have prepared for me. Like them I forget the testimony of what You have done for me in the past and look to ‘strange gods to deliver me’ in times of trouble. Like Moses I feel justified to react in anger to ‘provocations’ from my fellow man and disobey You. Psalm 106: 43-45 gives me hope that You are a forgiving God, who does not forget His promises but remembers them and repents of the destruction determined for me when I come to you in repentance. Instead of treating me according to my transgressions (Psalm 103:9, 10), You extend mercy and grace to me and hear me when I cry and You forgive my sins and impart on me Your righteousness. Blessed be the LORD God of Israel from everlasting to everlasting. AMEN

You can share with me how you have experienced God's judgement and mercy in your Christian walk. E mail me on nomusamadlala@gmail.com or leave a comment

SEEK HIM FIRST

My morning routine usually involves my waking up earlier than my family to ensure that I do some of my personal activities before the crunch of daily demands sets in. This is the time when I read my Bible, talk to God and let Him talk to me. Usually from such experiences I am motivated to write something that I can share with others about my walk with God.

On days when I’m not going to work, I sit longer at the computer writing until the usual cue for me to stop. The cue is my little two year old son, Junior. Every time, without fail, when he awakens, he grabs his ‘bhabhu’ (little blanket) and comes straight to the computer looking for me. Sometimes if I am no longer at the computer he will search for me through the house while at the same time calling out for me. If it takes too long for him to find me, I detect the desperation in his voice and quickly answer back to let him know where I am. The greeting is always the same. He expectantly raises his arms for me to carry him and he wraps his cute little arms around my neck and says ‘Good morning mommy. I love you mommy.’ It’s a ritual that I so enjoy. It brings me so much happiness and bonds me ever so close with my little boy.

Mornings are special times at which we set the tone of the day based on how we first interact with our loved ones. David, a Bible character I love to model my life on had something special going between him and God every morning. In Psalm 5 v 3 David writes: ‘My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord: in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up’. By coming to God in the morning we connect with the One who gives and sustains our life’s needs. Many are the challenges of the day and they can easily overcome us unless we tap on God’s promises for us.

There are days when I get so busy and bogged down with work that I get home late, sleep late and obviously wake up late. Looking at the things that need to be done, sometimes I skip the special time with God in the morning. Such days are almost always plagued with irritations, flaring tempers and things that just don’t go the way they should. It usually requires me to take time out, even if it’s for a couple of minutes, and have a short heart-to-heart with God and somehow the calm always returns.

What is important for us to remember as children of God is that God understands us as His children. Yes, it is good to have a regular scheduled time for daily devotions with God. But I don’t think that God stands with a register and a huge pen to mark that you were present and on time or absent for the appointment. If we revisit the analogy of my mornings with my little boy we’ll discover that on some days he wants us to linger and do things together before he is satisfied enough to go and do something else on his own. On other days he is just content getting a hug and kiss and getting on with business. Also it is not like clockwork that he wakens to seek for me. On some days it is earlier and on some days it is slightly later in the day.

Of course when his usual wake up time comes I anticipate his coming, but if he does not pitch up I do not rush to disturb his sleep and insist that he avails himself. Neither do I sulk and complain when he does eventually come. Sometimes because something exciting happened the previous night such as a relative or friend coming over, he will sleep later than usual and obviously wake up a bit late. The one consistent thing that I always count on is that he seeks me out first thing he awakens without fail. Even when I have gone to work, I am told that’s what he does and then has to be told that mommy has gone to work but she will come back. A further habit that he has developed since it registered with him that mommy goes to work is that as I prepare for work, he awakens just for a few moments to say ‘Hello mommy, goodbye mommy’ and then immediately goes back to sleep. It’s so sweet and tugs at my heart’s strings.

So we need not beat ourselves up and go on guilt trips just because we have missed our appointed time with God. We do well to remember that God can never be too busy for anyone of His children. Psalm 34 v 15: ‘The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and His ears are open unto their cry.’ What God always counts on is that you will seek him first no matter what the circumstances. One thing that I have learnt is that no matter how pressed I am for time, even if it cannot be the full devotional program that I do in the morning, I give myself time to connect as soon as I get out of bed.

At such times, that is when I cherish having memory verses that I can recite without having to open my Bible. Sometimes all I do is sing songs that talk about what I need from God or that address where I’m at in my spiritual barometer while I shower or do whatever I do in the morning. The important thing is to activate my connection with God anyway I can. The principle is to seek Him with all my heart, the how can vary and can be a matter of preference.

What I have found out also is that even after having a full morning devotional time with scripture reading, prayer, meditation and praise, I still need to connect and touch base with God throughout the day. My little boy at intervals throughout the day will start to get irritable and look for mommy to soothe his worries away. That’s how it ought to be between us and God. We do well to continually come to Him throughout the day to connect to His life giving power so we can continue to be effective.

Yes, it is good practice and it is important to have a scheduled time to meet with God early in the morning. For some of us working moms, it is best to do this before we do anything else because of the nature of our day. For some who are stay-at-home moms (blessed people!) it may make sense to get everyone off to school and work, put the baby to sleep and then have the special connection time when all is peaceful and quiet. Yet again, if anything happens to alter that schedule, you can still reschedule and enjoy communion with your Heavenly Father at a more practical time. I have found my lunch times at the office a suitable alternative. I believe that what’s of utmost importance to God in addition to the fact that you came, is that you meet with Him when all your faculties are sharp and you can have quality time together.

It is my sincere hope and prayer that each one of us will develop the all-important habit of deliberately setting a time to tell God what pleases and annoys us, praise Him and thank Him for His blessings and give Him time to heal, comfort, restore, teach and correct us bearing in mind that God is love.

God Incarnate for Me

He who was, He who is, He who shall be

From eternity past, to eternity future

Holy, Holy, Lord God almighty, I AM

Conceived of woman was He

Mystery, Wonder, Unfathomed love

Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient

Confined, Restricted, to one place bound

Helpless, Dependent, Reliant on man

Helpless infant, Born of mortal woman

Not counting it loss that He was God

Splendour for home, Founded on jewels

Streets paved of gold, clear as glass

A Nazarene, Wanderer, of no fixed abode

Please explain the mystery to me

Why? How can God reduce to this?

Demons rebellious, Devised His demise

By His own, Denied and betrayed

My curse on Him, He cried in pain

Father, I hurt! Let this cup pass

For humanity Son, Drink the cup

Creator, Giver, Sustainer of life

Existent of His own volition

Fully God, yet fully man, God incarnate

On a tree, Cursed, Despised, Forsaken

Helpless hung, no life in Him

In dark tomb lay the Light of the world

‘Twas love drove Him there

Took He my place, forever severed

Wait! Hush! What’s that I hear?

Burst He forth, Eternal life keys jingling!

Who is this that condemns and judges?

Accuser of brethren, Shame on you

Jesus paid it all, I’m free; I’m free

Smile on my face, Head held high

I am His; He is mine, Eternity is sealed.