'Let thy fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the hind and pleasant roe. Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times and be thou ravished alway with her love' Proverbs 5 v 18,19
Today, Wednesday 11 August Lenox and I are celebrating our Anniversary. It was 16 years ago on this date that we made our vows before Reverend Tshabalala in the Anglican Church in New Lobengula, Bulawayo. That should explain why I’ve had a lens on relationships in my writings over the last couple of days. Wedding anniversaries are a fitting time to do such reflections, I think. Like I said before, in most cases we can trace the mood between a husband and wife to the thoughts that have been going through each one’s mind. When one has been having positive and affirming thoughts about their mate, they will generally be amiable toward them, and the opposite is true. Or your mate’s good acts prompt you to act lovingly towards them while their bad behaviour prompts you to be ungracious in return.
This may sound like a superficial analysis of what goes on in a marriage. Surely there must be more than that for a couple to end up separated or divorced. The honest truth is that your mate is not perfect and in their imperfection they are prone to do various things you do not like, approve of or that cause you pain. How are you to react when such happens? Does the absence of misunderstandings or fights mean that a couple is happy? In some cases it may mean the opposite. The two may not care enough to even fight. Healthy people will have disagreements from time to time. The most important factor is how they deal with it. I’ll attempt to look at some of the ways that we react to disagreements that may be detrimental to a healthy and happy marriage and also try to suggest a better way to do things. These are some of the ways we deal with each other and as usual I will tap from my own experiences.
1. Close up and refuse to talk
For most women it is the proverbial silent treatment and for most men it is pride and refusing to open up. Many times I have laughed at myself after I have given the silent treatment to my husband for one reason or the other. The obvious result is that he is going to conclude that we are not talking today and shut his mouth after several attempts at striking a conversation. The truth about me is that I love talking. I am a very relational person and talking is one way I enjoy to bond with people. So sooner or later I will want to talk and Lenox will have settled in the no talking mode that I set. It will take a lot of effort on my part to bring back the mood that will help us strike a conversation again. In most cases I must say it is quite comical to watch. I really credit Lenox for letting me back in after such treatment. On the other hand my macho husband will choose to be ‘the man’ and for whatever reason refuse to discuss an issue that is going on between us. He will want to talk about everything else except that! As his wife I believe I am gradually learning the art of getting him to open up and talk issues.
2. Get out the daggers
Another way that we sometimes deal with each other is to get ready for battle. We get so angry with each other and say things that we regret in the end. Usually for me this reaction comes when I have spent a lot of time in the ‘blame room’. After whatever incident that will have happened to cause tension between us, I visit the ‘faults deposit box’ and pull out of it any previous incidents that may have any link or similarity with what is going on now. Looking at that stuff long enough brings out the warrior in me and I will fight with whatever I can. It never gets to physical blows, but it’s still a fight. Those of you who are married may know what I’m talking about. For that period of time in my mind, my husband is enemy number one and must be destroyed! This is one of the most difficult moods to get out of and when it’s over I feel so drained and ask myself why I could not have put the energy into better use.
3. Play the victim
There are times when apportioning blame is the way to go. At those times it is never my fault. I am a victim of circumstances. It is a fact that men are physically stronger than women (at least in most cases and certainly in mine) and tradition (especially African) just has the whole system set up to favour the male of the species. So, all the things that men do are just set to bring that point home and who am I to argue with that? The fact that my husband is an individual who chooses to do what he wants irrespective of the environment just does not register at that moment. All that I see is how the odds are so heavily against me and I just give up and submit to the status quo. That is not a fair way to fight because really truly speaking, I am a capable individual and playing the victim is just a way of manipulating the situation to my advantage. I am sure to some extent the hubby is guilty of playing the victim too in a uniquely male way.
Reading this one would think, ‘How on earth has this marriage lasted for 16years’? This man is married to a mad woman. Friends: that is where we were for the majority of time in our earlier years of matrimony. Due to space limitations I cannot list all of the things we have done to each other, but there is much more. From time to time we wander back into that territory but with maturity we have learnt how to see the signs and quickly navigate out of the rut.
The fact that we have come this far is not because we are wiser or smarter than those who have not made it as far as we have. We have come this far purely by the grace of God. God in His marvellous mercy has through His Holy Spirit chided us, broken us, moulded us, and continues to do so. We are not yet what we ought to be, but thank God we are certainly not what we used to be. As individuals and as a couple we have been through so many challenges that if God had not been there, we would have drowned. Many times bags have been packed with one or the other being thrown out or just deciding that enough is enough, but thank God that here we are today.
To celebrate my 16 years with a very marvellous and incredible man, I want to share a gift with you. No matter what your marriage is going through, there is hope for you if you do not give up on your spouse. Do not listen to what people say is politically correct. Just call upon God to give you strength to walk on, ask Him to carry you where it is too tough for you to walk but never give up. Purpose in your heart to give your children a different legacy: one that will set them up for a future where they will have memories of mom and dad who loved each other to their individual graves. It’s worth it!!
May the Spirit of the Lord do for you what needs to be done. I leave you with this Bible text: Isaiah 40 v 31 ‘But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint.’
To Lenox, my one and only ' Thank you for sticking out with this crazy girl. You gave me love when I had lost hope of ever feeling loved. You showed me that manhood is all about gentleness and caring. May your sons learn from you and pass the legacy on to their own sons. God bless you. I love you. Happy anniversary.'
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